Apocalypse tomorrow: Who is predicting the end of the world in 2017?

So here we are, nearly at the end of 2016. We got through it. Well, most of us got through it. A lot of us didn't, and may they rest in peace wherever they ended up: heaven, hell, or the infinite blackness of nonexistence.

Perhaps, though, they had a lucky escape. I have it on tenuous authority that 2017 will be even worse. Why? Oh, only because the END OF THE WORLD IS NIGH. Yes, yes, I know lots of people said the world would end in 2016 and then it didn't. But that was before the Orange Apocalypse seized control of the free world.

Some people are still bricking it. [Cue music from the Generation Game]. Here's who is predicting the end of the world in 2017. Repent your sins while you still can! Or, if you don't believe in god, do as much sinning as is humanly possible while you still can!

Great Expectations of Great Tribulations

"So far date speculation has been 100% wrong," reassures Gary from Unsealed, a Christian prophecy website. He advises to "take this with a grain of salt". But he adds that "we also refuse to buy into the logic used by the mockers who say it's useless to research and watch. Jesus did say we cannot know the day or hour, but he also IMPLORED us to watch for the signs and to know the season."

IMPLORED! Tisn't no season to be jolly so pack away your Santa hats you heathen idiots, trala lala laa lala la laa. Tis the season of judgment and hellfire and God's appalling wrath, trala lala laa lala la laa.

The long and the short of it is that something called the Tribulation – basically a load of suffering (nice) which heralds the world's end (double nice) – may begin in 2017. For reasons known only to Christian theologians and Gary from Unsealed, 70 years is an important number.

"If the UN mandate for the reestablishment of Israel in 1947 and the rebirth of Israel in 1948 are a beginning point of sorts, then 2017 and 2018 have been the big years to watch for all along," writes god's mate Gaz, who lists 15 reasons the Tribulation might start in 2017, all of which I can assure you are watertight and very, very interesting.

And if that's not enough, Gaz's mate Randy Nettles (lol) of the Rapture Ready website is convinced: "If you are like me" – I hope not – "and believe that the start, mid-point, and end of the Tribulation occur on Jewish feast days; the only dates that will work (in this decade) are 2017- 2024. Jesus would return on the Feast of Trumpets on 10/3/2024. The mid-point (start of the Great Tribulation) would occur approximately 1290 days earlier on Passover – 3/28/2021. The start of the Tribulation would occur on the Feast of Tabernacles – 10/5/2017."

Big lesson here: don't waste time making any major plans for the next seven years.

A so-long solar eclipse

On 21 August, the path of a solar eclipse will bisect America. This is a "solar eclipse that sent chills down my spine" says Michael Parker, an evangelist and Bible prophecy teacher, writing at Prophecies of the End Times. And that's not just because Michael is scared of the dark.

Apparently, the Bible says all sorts of stuff about the Day of Judgment™ being signalled by a darkening of the sun, which must make the time between dusk and dawn every day an emotional rollercoaster for believers.

But we've had a tonne of solar eclipses before. So what's different now? First and foremost, Michael says it's the gays. You see, Michael's been on the old clasped-hands blower to god, the direct line, and yep. Sorry to say it. But the gays are still at it and god is pretty angry, especially about the whole gay marriage thing.

Oh, and "God removed from the United States Government", says Michael. Colour me embarrassed, but I had no idea that god was even in the Obama administration. His sacking from the White House did not get the coverage it deserved. But then that's the godless liberal media for you.

"Has America's future just been witnessed by what a symbolic solar eclipse is showing us in 2017?" Michael queries. "It turns out that THIS solar eclipse is a once in a lifetime event. It will be over 100 years until it happens again. This concludes that this is a generational event, witnessed by THIS generation."

Wait a minute. If this solar eclipse will happen again in 100 years, then how can next year be the end of the world? Michael, I was sold before. But I'm starting to have doubts.

Hey Judah, don't make it bad

Judah Ben Samuel may have been born in the 12th century, but he has the hottest take of the 21st century – the end times are coming, baby. The German Jewish mystic made a number of predictions. And 2017 is set for his biggest.

It all revolves around 'Jubilees', defined by Dictionary.com as: "a year-long period to be observed by Jews once every 50 years, during which Jewish slaves were to be freed, alienated lands were to be restored to the original owner or an heir, the fields were to be left untilled, and all agricultural labors were to be suspended."

This is where it gets "interesting", if you have an interest in the eschatological rantings of ancient religious scholars who are certifiably insane by modern standards, and possibly even by medieval standards, which is saying something.

"It certainly would be significant if both 1917 and 1967 were Jubilee years, considering the significance of what happened in Jerusalem on those years," says the Alamongordo Prophecies website. "But it gets even more interesting, because Judah Ben Samuel also prophesied that during the 10th Jubilee Jerusalem would be under the control of the Jews and the Messianic 'end times' would begin. If he's right, the 10th Jubilee began in 1967 and will be concluded in 2017."

The "if he's right" is doing a lot of work there.

Knowing me, knowing Nibiru, aha

Nibiru (or "Planet X") is a secret planet in our solar system that almost nobody has heard of. It's so secret, in fact, that Nasa doesn't even know about it and they've got massive telescopes for the specific purpose of looking at planets in our solar system. But nothing gets past Christian space experts like David Meade, who writes for Planet X News and has his own telescope. Not only does he know about Nibiru. He knows that it is heading straight for us – and 5 October, 2017 is when it will crash into Earth.

"The evidence to support this is overwhelming," says Meade. "There are 40 volcanoes erupting at the same time on Earth now. Earthquakes have dramatically increased both in number and intensity. The Elite are frantically building underground 'safety' bunkers. The public is being kept in the dark deliberately to avoid panic. Storm systems are multiplying both in type, intensity and size. Sinkholes and cracks are appearing in the earth's crust. Heatwaves are getting stronger and are lasting longer. I'm just waiting for the fat lady to sing!"

See you in the safety bunkers.