Conservative Conference 2014: Stuffing Salmond, Boris Jokes and Reckless Talk

I thought there was supposed to be some magnanimity in victory. No crowing and no triumphalism. All that sort of stuff. Well you can think again when it comes to the Scottish referendum result.

David Cameron is reported in the Daily Telegraph to have told friends he regards SNP leader Alex Salmond as "bagged, stuffed and mounted on my wall". Nice, but then Cameron did used to enjoy stag hunting in Scotland so it all fits.

And Boris Johnson had a dig at both Salmond and Nigel Farage's Ukip when he told the Conservative conference: "That's our new fisheries policy, folks - first chuck Salmond overboard and then eat the kippers for breakfast." I would be a bit careful there. Salmond may well be down, but don't count him out just yet, he has risen from the political grave before.

And if the Tory party thinks it might stage a revival north of the border - perhaps doubling its number of MPs to two and finally matching the number of those famous pandas - comments about "stuffing" and "throwing overboard" the man who came within an ace of humiliating them may not help.

Meanwhile, the Ukippers Johnson loves to mock are snapping away at the Tories like famished barracuda. They could even deny Cameron a majority at the election, which could see him ousted as leader and a contest for a replacement. That could scupper Boris' plans to complete his term as London mayor before even contemplating standing for the leadership.

Boris quote of the day 1
Inevitably, Boris Johnson provided enough material to fill numerous diaries, so here are just a couple of the best.

Referring to Ed Miliband forgetting to mention the deficit in his speech: "My friends it can only be called a Freudian slip. His subconscious rebelled. The baggage handlers in his memory went on strike – as they would under a Labour government – and refused to load the word deficit on to the conveyor belt of his tongue."

Boris quote of the day 2
"I want those [newly built] homes marketed first and sold first to the people of this country; not to oligarchs from the Planet Zog – though I am very far from Zogist, most of my ancestors come from Zog, and I am generally in favour of foreign investment."

Boris quote of the day 3
Actually, a quote from his speech at a rally on Monday night when dismissing claims the next election was going to be like the 1997 campaign. "As John Major said in 1997, when your back is against the wall, turn around and fight."OK, that's enough Boris.

Reckless talk
Cameron is known for his little outbursts (see above). Remember "cut the green c**p", "too many tweets make a t**t" and referring to his own party as "the effing Tories".
Well his latest contribution to the political debate is to have told a meeting of party activists at the conference that Ukip defector Mark Reckless had "a fat arse". If that sort of vicious, bare-knuckled response doesn't stop others defecting in fear of their lives then I don't know what will.

Top of the pops
It's always interesting, if not terribly enlightening, to find out which new books are selling best at the Conference branch of Blackwell's.

There are plenty of weighty political tomes on offer but, inevitably, the ones that sell best are those when the authors have turned up to sign copies.

I don't want to boost their coffers by plugging them here but it is worth noting that this year's top slot goes to Andrew Marr's book Head Of State. It is work of fiction.

Top of the pops 2
The tunes party managers select to blast through the conference hall as speakers arrive and leave can be perplexing.

Who can forget – no matter how hard they try – Labour playing-in Tony Blair to the little Sham 69 ditty If The Kids Are United.

And the Tories are no better. They played-out Theresa May, or played-in Johnson (it wasn't easy to tell as he followed her on to the stage) to the Beach Boys' Good Vibrations. Talk about optimism.

And whatever happened to Elgar?