Tommy Cooper Birthday: Funniest Quotes From the Welsh Entertainer

Tommy Cooper probably would have toasted his 93rd birthday today with his favourite drink.

The Welsh entertainer, who was born in Caerphilly, was adored by millions of television viewers across the country before his untimely death from a heart attack while on stage in April 1984.

A pioneer of slapstick comedy, Cooper had audiences in raptures with his "unpredictable" act, which a biographer later revealed as being meticulously planned.

Cooper honed his stage act as a stand-up comedian who peppered his magic tricks, some of which he intentionally bungled.

Legend has it that Cooper adopted his trademark fez one evening in Cairo, where he was stationed as a trooper in the Royal Horse Guards regiment of the British Army during World War Two.

Cooper, who had forgotten a pith helmet, grabbed a passing waiter's fez, which earned howling laughter from his audience.

Here we remember some of Cooper's most memorable quips.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." How's that?" Don't you start."

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy

Biography

Name: Thomas Frederick "Tommy" Cooper

DOB: 19 March 1921, Caerphilly, Wales

Died: 15 April 1984, Her Majesty's Theatre, London, England

Career: Cooper became a shipwright after he left school in Hythe, Hampshire, but in 1940 was called up as a trooper in the Royal Horse Guards regiment of the British Army in World War II, serving in Montgomery's Desert Rats in Egypt.

While in Egypt he got a taste of being centre stage, becoming part of the Navy, Army and Air Force Institute's entertainment party.

After he left the Army, Cooper worked in theatres around the country and was known to perform 52 shows a week, honing one-liners and both successful and failed magic tricks.

Copper became one of the most recognisable acts in the world after he started starring in his own shows. He was popular with audiences for four decades, most notably through his work with London Weekend Television from 1968 to 1972 and with Thames Television from 1973 to 1980.

Death: On 15 April 1984, midway through his act on the London Weekend Television variety show, Cooper collapsed from a heart attack in front of millions of television viewers. He was rushed to hospital but pronounced dead on arrival.

I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

I knocked at my friend's door and his wife answered the door. I said "Is Jim in?".
She didn't reply, just stood there looking at me. So I asked again. Just then a woman appeared at his wife's elbow. "Sorry love" she said "We buried him last Thursday".
"He didn't say anything about a pot of yellow paint before he went, did he?"

My mother was always pulling my leg, that's why one is six inches longer than the other.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bas***d!"