Ban Warhammer? David Cameron Should Make it the National Sport

Yesterday Dr Timothy Stanley of the Telegraph got into lukewarm water after suggesting that David Cameron should turn his attention away from porn and instead ban Warhammer. Not long after poor Dr Stanley was besieged in the comments by players who could not quite comprehend that his piece was a bit of fun, rather than a serious policy proposal.

Rather than banning Warhammer though I've got a better idea for Mr Cameron. He could decree, Kim Jong Il style, that from now on Warhammer and Warhammer 40,000 shall be the national sport of the United Kingdom.

After all is there much difference really between a chubby man in a football shirt who can name all the players in the Premier League (and how much they cost) and a chubby man in a Star Wars shirt who can describe at length about the difference between Dark Angels and Blood Angels?

Why is one a geek and the other a normal well-adjusted member of society? Many is the time I've sat on a train baffled as I overhear conversations about the possible schemes of managers and owners and the movement of players with names far more outlandish than those dreamt up by fantasy writers.

One of the things that puts me off the current national game is quite how ludicrously mercenary it is. I can't quite grasp how people can chant the name of their team's star player if next year that same player may well be leading the charge against his former comrades and those who had previously idolised him.

We'd never have to worry about that if Warhammer became the national sport. The money of all the Russian oligarchs, Arab sheikhs and American financiers in the world would not convince Abaddon the Despoiler to leave the Black Legion and sign on as an Imperial Fist.

And while we're on the subject of money, Dr Stanley points out that Warhammer is expensive and is made more expensive by rule changes every few years. Indeed it is, but is it not the case that football clubs change their shirts every year? Is it not more expensive to go to a Premier League game than it is to go to the Opera these days?

What about national peace and serenity? Whoever heard of a Warhammer hooligan? True some players are terrible losers but to my knowledge none have ever trashed a city centre or stabbed someone in the buttocks as a result of having their orcs massacred.

Perhaps best of all a switch from football to Warhammer would give us the glories of seeing our political leaders pontificate on the national sport in ever more ludicrous ways. In a few years we could have statements like:

"Of course there are not enough gay Space Marines as role models."

"It's completely unacceptable to describe a level 4 sorceress as 'not a looker'."

"Like the rest of the nation I held my breath when he rolled a six on that crucial morale check - it's that kind of thing I mean when I talk about the Big Society/One Nation Britain."

The possibilities are truly endless.